Not too long ago and not too far away … On your way to slay a demon you must travel through lands like Denial, Realization, and the Hills of Failure (which feels like you're going up, until the hill slopes and you tumble head down again). But the most difficult trial that you'll find is in the land of Negative Self Talk. Many have tried to pass through, but most stay behind, drawn in by the self-talk radio that never stops its whine. Great warriors with big mouths and prideful hearts tell you tales of overcoming that self-talk with your own versions of positive speak. They'll tell you to just aim your affirmations confidently at the sky. Champions tell you to block out the repeat of "No one loves you" blaring from the speakers by covering your ears and covering your peepers. Soldiers will tell you to fight that self-talk radio and go into battle, crying all for one, one for all, as you go. But they are wrong. The warriors, the champions, and soldiers are all woefully mistaken and get lost somewhere between the land of Negative Self Talk and the Hills of Failure, never making it to their final destination. I'm neither a champion or a solider, but I've traveled to the land of Self Talk and took the advice of others who went before me. My journey led me to silence where I heard "No one cares about you" and "Nothing matters anyway." When I fought as the warrior and aimed my positive words high ("I'm worthy of love"), the self-talk radio only blared back louder "No. You're. Not." When I fought as a champion and tried to blot out the sounds of my fear, I realized the radio was playing them from within. No matter how much I covered my ears or covered my eyes, the words of despair grew louder from inside. So I fought like the solider and I shouted a battle cry. "I'M NOT A FAILURE!!!" but the words only died on my lips, without the self confidence to carry them further. Thinking all hope was lost and that I would never slay my demons, I laid my body down and allowed the sounds of my past failures to play on repeat for far too long. The longer I laid there, the more fear in me came as love was pushed out, I watched it drain away. How did I survive to tell you this tale of fear and love and the self-talk radio? Well, see there's one thing that fear doesn't want you to know. There's a secret it keeps way down below, where most people won't travel, can't get to, or go. For you see dear reader, this is your land and your home- what you've built from your heart and soul. If fear is what you've built then fear is what you'll get. If indeed, you create a playlist of your worst fears and replay them over and over, who turned on that radio? Who found the station of self-deprecation? Why, it was you dear reader who chose this destination. Because Fear counts on one thing and one thing only, that you'll think you're not in control of your own country, that you are bound to wonder the endless earth through Hills of Failure and even worse. But Love told me the secret to cure the self-talk radio, to silence the negative words that replay in my head. "We are builders of our worlds. We are the creators of our lands. We are the designers of what we wish to be." Then Love smiled and looked upon me. "You can not lie to yourself to end the self-talk, nor can you fight it. You can not free yourself by trapping yourself." If you wish to be free of the sounds of self-hate, the answer is quite simple. If you're trying to make it through the Land of Negative Self Talk, there is but one solution. It's your radio. Change the station.
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It’s a warm Tuesday evening as the door slams and Mr. Wagner walks through it- precisely at 6:01 pm, the same hour (and minute) he arrives home every day. Mrs. Wagner is the living room, folding clean laundry on the sofa. "Hey honey, how was your day?" she asks. With a huff, Mr. Wagner lays down his work things on the counter. "Where's dinner? What've you been doing all day?" Molly's face falls and her brows push together to meet one another directly above her not-so perfect nose. "The girls were just crazy today babe, I haven't made dinner yet, but I'll do it in a minute." "I'm so sick of this. You do nothing all fucking day and then I'm at work- for you- and you can't make dinner?" he asks while pointing at her face. "Babe-" Mrs. Wagner begins but is quickly cut off by her husband. "Seriously Molly, what're you good for if you can't even do that?" Now, you and I are quite aware that this isn't a marriage made in Heaven. You're probably telling yourself that you'd never be with anyone who talked to you like that. You'd throw that sexist, controlling ass right outta your house and your life- and probably never look back because you know you deserve better and don't have to put up with that. Mr. Wagner is also the type of man who wants his wife to have the perfect body, often insisting that maybe she should put the pie down and pick up her ass and get into shape. "I didn't marry a fat ass, and I sure don't want to now, your body disgusts me." he would tell her. "You don't deserve that. Why don't you stop thinking about yourself and take care of your damn kids? You're a horrible mother." Mr. Wagner would tell his wife when she was shopping.
Can you imagine having a co-worker tell you that you'll never get promoted because you're not good enough? Picture a friend looking you right in the eyes and telling you that nobody, not a soul on this earth will ever love you. What if every day that you woke up and opened your eyes, someone rolled over next to you and said "Good morning! You're ugly, fat, and stupid- nobody even cares about you, why bother getting up?" What would you do? Would you embrace these people, agree their right and ask for more? Would allow them to pick you apart day after day? No! You'd tell them all to go to hell and get outta your life. If you were the victim in these abuse situations you'd tell them all to leave, you'd get outta there, or get help from someone who loves you. But what if you're the abuser? What if you're the one telling yourself that you're useless, that no one cares, that no one will ever want you? While you'd never dream of saying those awful things to your spouse, your co-workers or people you care about, you have no problem telling yourself what a worthless piece of shit you are, day in, day out. What kinda marriage is that? An abusive one, and the only marriage where you can both be the victim and the abuser.
Turning that on its head, when was the last time you told yourself that you are worthy of love and affection? Can you remember a time that you looked yourself in the mirror and gave mercy to the eyes looking back at you? Just like marriage, we can forget all that makes us wonderful and stop appreciating the small miracles of everyday love. If you're intent on making your self-love marriage work, you've got to stop being the abuser- and the victim.
True love, real, deeply felt and experienced love, keeps no record of wrongs. It is patient, kind, and ever enduring. To begin to love yourself, you must create a vision of the world from a new perspective. You must see yourself the way Love sees you, and treat yourself just as you would a new found flame. You don't have to be the monster in the mirror. You can choose to be the light. You don't have to tell yourself you hate yourself anymore. You can leave the past in the past. You can choose to forgive yourself for your regrets and be kind to yourself. The monster in the mirror isn't you, and never really was. What you see is a reflection of fear staring back at you, and if you want to slay this demon and see yourself again, there's only one cure and only one hero who can administer it. Only love can drive out fear and only self-love can drive out self-hate. If you want to find yourself again, you must first be willing to kill the monster in the mirror, and when you fight with love, you will win- because my dear, love always wins- so go slay your demons.
We were born into light, of light, with light inside us. Love is our natural state, it is where all of us come from and search to return to, but the darkness often grows more present until the only light we have is enough to take one more step. Love is the opposite of fear and just like Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter, one can not live while the other survives. Love must drive out fear if it is to live. But like the fictional Horcruxes in Harry Potter, fear will do all in its power to win: through bad negative self-talk, by telling you that your family doesn't love you and your friends don't care. Fear will tell you that you're better off alone because no one can ever really love you anyway. It'll create a dark filter on your view of the world, holding you back and keeping you in the dark. The darkness creeps into all the lit places, the small places, the areas of your life you thought you protected, making you devalue yourself little by little. It approaches like a slow-moving storm, black and thick, spreading out over your life. You develop a low self-esteem, maybe even blaming your parents. You stop trying new things because you already know the outcome, and it won't be good, so why bother? You become defensive, assume the worst, hate change, and just want to be left alone. Just you. In the darkness. With the small light that you're saving up just for yourself. "But it's dark out there," you tell me, and I hear you- it is dark out there.
You are the Horcrux that Fear never intended to make, and it's only you that can fight that darkness. If your path through forbidden forgiveness should be dark up ahead, remember it's you that carries the light that wipes away the darkness. The more you love yourself the brighter you'll become, the brighter everything around you becomes, and you not only give light to yourself but everyone you touch. Love drives out fear and love begets love. Love is what wins over the darkness. |
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October 2019
AuthorLinda Lavender writes articles to help folks with Auto Immune Disease, Depression, Anxiety and other health related illnesses. |