Bend & BloomWe had a bad wind storm this summer, which was really a terrible hurricane in other parts of the state, and it left it’s mark on our backyard with broken limbs and foliage everywhere. After the storm had subsided, I walked the back property along the fence line, surveying any potential damage. The sun was shining and the clouds above were moving at a rapid pace; still remnants from the passing hurricane. The grass swooshed under my sneakers as I walked, with only occasional sticks or puddles to slow me down. To the right of my house we have a metal bench swing about a foot from the fence, I was pleased to see it had been unharmed. Yet, only 5 feet next to it, a large 12-15 foot bushy tree had fallen completely over. As I stood there dazed (and confused) I thought it looked like a giant foot had stepped on the tree, flattening it to the ground. The fence and surrounding plants were all untouched. Although it had been blown over, none of the limbs were broken, but instead simply bent down leaving the roots of the tree completely exposed, and the top of the tree laying on the ground in front of it. I started to walk around it and marveled at how in the world only one tree could be affected when everything else stood as it always had. Just another thing to clean up, I thought, and continued on with the inspection. Apart from random sticks and limbs in the yard and the fallen tree (which we later realized had been struck by lightening), all was fine. We decided that we would try to lift the tree back up and maybe tie it to the fence, (if the tree or the fence would actually hold). Armed with rope and gloves, my husband and I march outside to fix the bent tree. I held the rope secure while he wrapped it around the tree's middle. I actually felt like a caveman with our pulley system, while simultaneously wishing I had paid more attention in 3rd grade physical science class. Marc wraps his hands around the tree branches and I pull the rope, but the tree will not budge. It stays firmly on the ground as if it was always there, as if it had never been upright to begin with. We give it a few more tries, failing each time, then deciding it wasn’t worth pulling our backs out for. We moved on, and piled up the rest of the debris, then went inside. We spoke about having to have the tree cut down, it clearly would never stand upright again after the storm, but neither of us ever called a tree service that weekend. A week later we found ourselves in the yard again staring at this sad bent tree. The full branches with it’s leaves reach my waist and I run my hands through them, amazed that they are all still green. It felt like a sin to chop this tree down, after all, if it had survived this great impact, who were we to cut it down? So we both decided to just leave it be where it was, fallen and bent, laying in the yard. When you’ve been in my line of work as long as I have, compassion extends far beyond creatures with heartbeats, and I couldn’t kill what so clearly wanted to live. Many weeks passed and, as expected, the debris piles turned brown and wilted. But, the fallen tree thrived in it’s awkward state. I giggle thinking it could almost pass as a large shrub if the trunk wasn’t so long, and I’m glad I didn’t kill it. As autumn arrived, it brought with it windier, cooler weather, brown leaves on the grass and best of all, the ability to be outside without sweating or being stung by something. One Monday morning, while on a break from the office, I decided to take a quick walk outside in the backyard. The best thing about our yard is the trees, to be precise: the pine trees; tall, skinny things that make that comforting woosh sound when the wind blows through them. It was cool that Monday, for Florida standards, and I savored every moment as I walked listening to the trees and wind sing together. Turning a corner, I saw our pile of old foliage; all brown and probably rotting by the looks of it. The leaves were crumply and most of the sticks and matter had matted together from rain over the past 2-3 months. What a storm, I thought. Then I glanced over and noticed our bent tree. Still laid on the ground, it’s leaves still a bright green, it had bloomed. Bright yellow blooms covered the limbs of our tree, making it feel like a bright spring day. Bees buzzed to and from the flowers, gathering pollen. I marveled at life’s beauty in the bent trees. It’s only natural to cut off that which offends you, that which scares you, that which is broken or bent. But in so doing, we kill it. Like our debris piles, you wither away your chances, your opportunity for growth or life; it just dies. And isn’t it also true that we survive storms? Don’t we all get knocked down, beaten to the floor, and bent? So should we then also cut ourselves down and allow ourselves to wither because a storm affected us? What if there isn’t a fence to tether yourself to? What if you’re so damaged you can never stand up again? Should you be thrown into the debris pile? Should they? We must learn to be like the tree, which bends and blooms with the storms. We must learn to bend, not break. Challenge AcceptedWrite down 3 things in your life that are “Bent and Blooming”, and add in some nurturing encouraging notes to yourself. Then, hide it from yourself in a book, in your underwear drawer, the garage (ok, maybe not the garage!) or anywhere else you won’t see it for a while. By doing so, you are validating that imperfection is perfect. You are helping yourself to blossom now, while planting seeds for your future self to read. When you feel broken, remember you’re just bent, and you can still bloom.
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What Healing RequiresAs much as I'd like to say that it did, suffering and weakness do not go hand in hand. Suffering, more of the time than not, leads to reward, if self sacrificed. Healing my body has been a lesson in sacrificing what I am today for who I will become tomorrow. Who I will become is undetermined, undefined and yet to be created anywhere other than my own imagination. We were given the gift of imagination, yet we often use it as a method of self deprecation and fear mongering to our own detriment. Preparation and patience; parents of the same child: Success. But confuse not preparation with fear, for it's womb will always be barren. Healing requires from you more than it requires of others. It requires you not give in, not give up, and never allows you to forget what your fighting. You weren't given a choice, it isn't an honor, yet it's a war you are enlisted for, with no assurance of an end and little hope of victory. Whether you want to be in the battle field of your life isn't your choice. The pain you feel, the suffering your war causes to innocent casualties are all around you. Healing requires that you admit you are at war. Whether you want to be or not, the enemy will come for you and will be here when you wake. Soldiers have training, have weapons, have preparation. They have skilled leaders to guide them into the battle. No solider is left behind. Each drill, each lesson is taught for the purpose to make them a one of a kind skilled warrior. Solider's sacrifice who they are today for who they will become tomorrow. They sacrifice their time, their energy, their lives to the cause. Even in times of peace, a solider is always a solider. Once a Marine, always a Marine. And no solider will return home the same. War changes you. Meeting mortality, changes you. Not often is it spoken of, or perhaps not often enough; that at some point, nearly everyone is afraid of the battle and wishes for nothing more than the comfort they left. Each mourns in his/her own way for a simpler time, when the cruel realities of fate hadn't yet touched them. They miss the small joys of laughter, not mingled with pain. More tears have been shed before battle than lives lost, more fears have turned to realities than victories achieved in war. What is it then, that enables a solider to rise in the morning knowing death lurks just on the other side? How can they lace their boots and make their beds with precision and steady hands? How do they willing march together, in unison, weapons ready into battle? Healing requires you to be a solider in a war you did not chose, in a war you did not want; but it is yours now and how you wage the battle is entirely up to you. The enemy is coming to your door whether you want it or not. This is your war and you must believe you are the one who can win it. Fear is nothing but our own imagination, once you realize this, you'll understand how it can no longer control you. Danger is very real, but fear isn't. Never confuse preparation with fear; like water and vinegar they may look the same at first, but only one will leave a bitter taste and never quench your thirst. You have the ability to live in the future, to live in your victories instead of your fears. You have the choice to be afraid and do it anyway. You can choose what happens to you before the inevitable. You can choose how you live your life, and it doesn't have to be in fear. Healing requires you to sacrifice who you are today for who you will become tomorrow. Don't hesitate to be afraid today if it will make you brave tomorrow. The more you allow yourself to use your imagination for fear, the smaller your world gets. You can change your prescriptions, you can change your clothes, where you live, where you work; but if you never change your mind, nothing changes. That's not to say that the same struggles aren't there, its your perception to the struggle that changes. Suffering is not weakness nor is patience endurance. Healing requires a changed mind. It requires you lay down the failings of the past and fail forward into success. If your suffering is not a sacrifice for who you will become tomorrow then your suffering is meaningless in your healing. If tomorrow is no better than the day preceding it and today is no better than the one before it, what are you suffering for? If suffering is inevitable, would you rather suffer on the path to healing? Your fears of the future can be hopes of the future when you are taking active steps to make it happen. You are going to suffer anyway, why not endure it with purpose instead of despair? Healing requires all of you, every day, every moment, every thought, every breath. You must decide your life is worth fighting for by you, for you. You must endure. You must suffer. You must be patient. But you can not be weak. Stop waiting on healing and decide you are going to fight it with your dying breath. Remember,those who think they can and those who think they can't are both usually right. Do not wish for an easy life. Wish for the strength to endure a difficult one" ~ Bruce Lee It took me a long time to fully comprehend the truth of that statement. I spent countless time asking why. I spent countless nights begging for it to stop. I sought the answers from the wrong places, and I put my trust in the wrong things. We all suffer. Suffering and pain are a part of life, those who have never suffered or felt pain have not yet fully lived and experienced life's multitude of emotions. Some, suffer more than others; some suffer alone. But pain and suffering are inevitable, that much is guaranteed. In suffering we have a choice. It is a choice all who are terminally ill must face, and a choice all who live long enough will make. It is, what to do in the midst of that suffering. Who will you be? What will you be remembered for? Too many of us spend time flipping through the pages of our past and not enough time looking at the pages in front of us. The oxymoron is, we look to our past, we regret, but moreso, we wish for the things we didn't do. The words we didn't say. The opportunities we didn't take. Many of us try to replay those memories over and over again envisioning various outcomes, but nothing ever changes, the story still remains the same: no matter how much you rewrite it in your own mind. While you're flipping through those pages of your past, your present time dwindles from you, and in a not so distant future, today will be part of your past. Are you are going to flip to those days and regret? Or do you want to focus on what's is in front of you and what can be? You are the writer of your own story. You have the power to make life anything you want it to be. Maybe today you can't fulfill those dreams instantly. But we first have to believe in ourselves before we can ever expect to take that next step. We have to first believe that it is possible, that there is a way. And you have to believe that you are the one. You must believe that you are the star of your own story and beyond that you are the writer of your own story. Will you be a war hero? Will you be a victim? Will you be a little of both? This is your life and no matter how sick you are and no matter how tired you are, no matter how much you think you can't go on anymore, I'm telling you today that you can. You have a choice to make. And that choice may need to be made everyday, every hour; but the choice is yours and yours alone. This is your life, how are you going to live it? How are you going to spend the time that you have left? I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become" ~ Carl Jung |
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October 2019
AuthorLinda Lavender writes articles to help folks with Auto Immune Disease, Depression, Anxiety and other health related illnesses. |